Our previous series of articles discussed goals and action steps. We explored, among other things, barriers to success. This article begins our discovery of the obstacles we inflict on ourselves, in other words: the 4 insidious causes of Self-sabotage.
I learned about self-sabotage in high school. As a Senior, I decided I would join the Navy. I didn’t think I had a chance at college. A recruiter came to our high school (1960s) and talked to us. We all got a book to study in preparation for a test the next month. I looked at the book many times but never made it through and never really studied it. Something always interfered: homework, volunteering, helping my mother, fighting with my brothers, being with friends that needed me.
The time came for the test and I really felt like I had studied, I had carried the book everywhere and looked at it many times. But, needless to say I did not do well. I was advised I could retest but I was convinced I would never do well enough to pass.
I felt depressed for months. My confidence was shaken. I felt like I had no where to turn. It took a long time to figure out that subconsciously I had sabotaged myself. I believed with all my heart the Navy was what I wanted, but it was not to be.
What is self-sabotage? As you can probably see from my story, self-sabotage includes actions and in-actions that block you from success or stop you from accomplishing your goals. Self-sabotage can be conscious or unconscious.
Self-sabotaging behaviors can affect your mental health as well as your personal and professional success.
Conscious or Unconscious Self-Sabotage
People who self-sabotage could be aware of what they are doing. For example, someone lands an interview for a great job, but they don’t prepare. They want the job but feel they are not really ready for the responsibility, so they do something to insure they don’t get it.
Perhaps they act unconsciously. Like I did in high school, I really thought I wanted to join the Navy. But in truth, I felt afraid, afraid of failure. I sabotaged myself and nearly side-tracked any plans for myself after graduation.
“Self-sabotage is rooted in counterproductive mindsets including negativity, disorganization, indecisiveness, and negative self-talk. Perfectionism and impostor syndrome are also forms of self-sabotage. An insidious and ubiquitous form of self-sabotage is mindless distractions that prohibit goal attainment.” positivepsychology.com
Does that sound familiar?
One of the reasons I ask you to write smart goals with action steps is so you can stop self-sabotage before it starts. Do you see how specific smart goals and action steps can help protect you from self sabotage?
4 Insidious Causes
Self-sabotage happens for many reasons, some conscious, some unconscious. It could stem from childhood problems, previous relationships, low self esteem, self confidence issues, parental bullying, lack of social skills, attention-seeking or many other factors.
Difficult Childhood
A relationship with your parents that is less than supportive can cause self-sabotage. If parents interacted and behaved toward you in a way that prevented attachment, that impaired attachment can affect your behavior later in life. Attachment is a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure. During early childhood, these attachment styles are centered on how children and parents interact. If your parents or caregivers do not provide the security of attachment, or if they berate or belittle you as you grow, they can cause fear, anxiety and low self esteem. All of these are causes of self-sabotage.
Difficult Relationships
Past relationships where you were belittled, taken for granted, or constantly put down, can still make you feel vulnerable. Now you’re in a great relationship, but you cheat on your partner. Or you break up for no reason. You don’t feel good enough, or you fear getting hurt again, so you look for any reason to to push away.
“Based on a recent study on self-sabotage,15 psychologists specializing in romantic relationships in Australia identified the main issues for the prevalence of self-sabotage in romantic relationships. Reasons included insecure attachment styles, low self-esteem, fear of getting hurt, fear of commitment, relationship beliefs, and coping when it comes to matters of the heart.” verywellmind.com
Low Self-Esteem
Having a negative self-image or low self-esteem puts you at high risk of self-sabotage. People with low self-esteem behave in ways that reinforce negative beliefs about themselves. If they are close to succeeding, they become uncomfortable and self-sabotage to put themselves back in what they feel is a safe zone.
Cognitive Dissonance
“Self-sabotaging behaviors are also linked to cognitive dissonance — the psychological discomfort associated with internal contradictions. When we try to make ourselves do something that isn’t in line with our beliefs or values, we feel out of balance. Subconsciously, we often try to restore this balance by changing our behavior (or creating circumstances, no matter how sneaky, that let us off the hook).” betterup.com
Concluding Self-Sabotage
I don’t think anyone wants to admit they are working against their own best interest or perhaps just not getting out of their own way. Most people have done things that took them out of step with a goal, or at cross purposes in a relationship or got stopped on our way to an important step in our life. Whether it’s fear, uncertainty or any of the reasons above, we can’t fix it til we are aware of it.
Today we began at the beginning, the 4 insidious causes of self-sabotage. Next week we will talk about some of the ways we self-sabotage so we can start to deal with them.
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