Building Yourself…

Much of my coaching centers on taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally and mentally. So, I thought it fortuitous to get a request for a discussion of Building Yourself through both self-care and self-esteem.

Building Your Self-Care & Self-Esteem

I often have clients who are always trying to please others, putting themselves last, even at the expense of their own health and welfare. I ask them to consider, “How can you take care of other people if you don’t take care of yourself?”  I often get a shake of the head or a blank stare. 

“When you avoid things that can make you feel mentally and physically well, you deplete your self-worth. You might as well say, “I’m not good enough. I’m not worth the effort.” Self-care is imperative in maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself and others. It produces positive feelings, which builds self-love, self-confidence and self-esteem. “ www.healthyplace.com

Maybe you avoid self-care on purpose. Maybe you just don’t think about self-care. Or maybe you deprioritize self-care because you are too busy helping others. In any case, to begin building yourself you should make self-care a priority. 

I Can Walk and Chew Gum…

I know this to be true: Caring for yourself and caring for others need not be mutually exclusive. You can do both and not sacrifice one while you concentrate on the other. 

People with high self-esteem and self-confidence value themselves as much as they value others. They recognize that unless they take care of themselves, they will have less available to help others. 

“If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.” – Barbara De Angelis

Building Better Boundaries

One area of self-care that often fosters guilt and self-doubt is setting boundaries. If you find it difficult to prioritize your needs and set boundaries, you are not practicing self-care. Further, you are sabotaging your self-esteem. Why is that?

Your level of self-esteem and your boundaries are closely related. Having personal boundaries outlines to others that you don’t accept some behaviors. You demonstrate that you are in charge of how people treat you. You show that you have responsibility over your life. In short, You Matter. Setting boundaries is a huge self-care step and one that demonstrates your self-esteem. 

This is not to say you won’t ever help someone, work a little later, or listen to another’s opinion. Rather, it does mean you shouldn’t be expected to say “yes” all the time to helping others, you won’t work late every day and you absolutely won’t accept verbal abuse by anyone. Further, it means you care about you and your well-being enough to reject any attempt to make you feel bad about taking care of your life. You will not be taken advantage of.

“As most of us know, self-esteem is important because it heavily influences our choices, decisions and well-being in general. A high level of self-esteem with secure boundaries makes it more likely that you will meet your needs and have the independence and resourcefulness to explore your full potential and quality of relationships with others.” www.forbes.com

The idea of self-care can trigger uncomfortable thoughts. For example, if you are reading or relaxing you may think, “I should be doing something else.” Alternatively, if you set time aside for self-care like mental health break, that little voice says we are being lazy.  Resist the urge to feel guilty, instead tell yourself that self-care is as important as health care. 

How do I Build Myself?

There is no shortcut to self-care. There is no shortcut to self-esteem either. You can improve self-esteem and boost self-care using techniques such as: 

• Meditation to remove the negative thoughts about yourself that you have carried from childhood. (This will take time.) 
• Celebrating every win. When you accomplish a goal or even just make good progress, celebrate your WIN with some self-care. A manicure, a massage, a new CD by your favorite artist… 
• Going somewhere beautiful and journaling something you like about yourself.  All it takes is a little time and a sentence or two every day to improve your self-esteem 
• Use the good stuff. You deserve it. Use those towels and sheets you are saving for “good”. Get out the good china and have Pizza.

As your self-esteem grows and you take better care of yourself, begin to expand your journal to record gratitudes, dreams and wishes. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. 

You don’t have to choose building yourself through self-care or self-esteem. Choose both; They are synergistic. Working on both at the same time will get you where you want to go faster. As you climb toward your goal of a better, happier you, your right foot is self-care and your left foot is self-esteem. You need both feet to get to the top.

It’s not an easy journey, but one worth taking. Also remember, you can always reach out for help. 

Related Articles:

• Self-Care Test
• Self-Esteem Test
• Self-Care & Self-Esteem

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