One of the personal skills I help clients deal with most often is Transition. Transition to retirement, to an empty nest, to being a widow or widower, to life in a new place, to college, to a new life style because of illness. Every day brings a transition of one kind or another. I have gathered some lessons I’ve learned and some ideas from others to help us understand how mastering transition can help conquer the fear of change.
Conquer the Fear of Change (by Mastering Transition)
Do you like haunted houses at Halloween? Or, maybe those you find at fairs and carnivals? Not me. I’ve always been afraid of what might be in there. You have to move from one room to the next never knowing what surprise to expect. I never liked those places. Never, with one exception.
When I was a teen (many, many years ago), I worked for our local fair one year. Over the 7-8 days of the fair, I must have gone through the “fun” house 10 times. The first time with a boy on a dare, the rest with friends as they visited the fair. After the first time through, it was easier.
Once I knew what to expect it was easier. Experience taught me how to avoid the traps and surprises. I still didn’t love it but I was ready for all the things that were going to jump out. Understanding transition is just like the fun house. Once you dissect the transition through the change and understand what it is and where you are in the process, the transition becomes easier.
First, we need to understand that change and transition are not the same. Change is a situation or occurrence that affects us: a new boss, a new school, a loss, a move or a traumatic event. Adapting to change takes flexibility.
What is Transition?
Transition is an internal psychological process of accepting a new situation. It can happen quickly or slowly but it is the process of successfully going from the old to the new.
In previous articles we have learned that change is a constant in our lives. Sudden unexpected change is especially hard. We also know that we have to get past the change to acceptance. If we don’t acknowledge the change, if we ignore that things are different, change can hurt us both physically and psychologically.
We must make the transition from where we were to where the change is taking us. We loathe change because we are fearful. That fear we feel, just like in those fun houses, comes from the unknown and what we imagine might happen.
Experts call this fear of the unknown “anticipatory anxiety.” It is the fear or worry that bad things can happen in the future and that we won’t know what to do. The uncertainty of what might happen is scary because the change is unpredictable, new and out of our control. We want things to stay the same and we want to stay where things are comfortable.
“We imagine that life after (insert your specific change here) will be wholly different, wholly unfamiliar, and that we will be wholly unprepared for those unknown challenges. Why do we dread with anticipatory anxiety about what comes next? Well, since we have no actual data on how the change will be—given that it hasn’t happened yet—we do what we can to bide the time.” advice.theshineapp.com
Master Transition to Conquer the Fear of Change
As we look forward, we only see the unknown and the fear of what change might bring. We forget we are a pro at transition. Think back to some of the transitions you have already made successfully: Elementary school to secondary school, being single to married and maybe back to single, no children to having babies, kids, then young adults to no children and an empty nest. Think of your work transitions: new jobs, different bosses, and changes in policy.
We forget we’ve been through the fun house before. What can we do to help with transition and get us through that doorway of change? We can learn about transitions, the more we know the easier it will be. Change can happen quickly. However our adjustment, our transition, will take longer.
“Not in his goals but in his transitions man is great.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
William Bridges, was a preeminent authority on change and transition who transformed the way people think about change. He developed the three stages of transition to help people through the change process. According to Bridges, no matter the specific type of change, transitions have three predictable stages. Knowing which stage you’re in can help you deal with the feelings of isolation and disorientation.
The Stages of Transition?
There are three stages of transition, the first of which (ironically) is “Ending.”
Endings
Transition starts with an ending. This first phase of transition begins as people identify what they are losing. Unsurprisingly, they begin to resist the change and react to the process. What they feel is doubt and discomfort and they find ways to object and compare the new situation to the old. As a result, their world is colored and controlled by a false vision and judging.
Neutral Zone
The second step of transition comes after letting go. People are in between when the old is gone but the new is not quite fully operational because they aren’t fully committed and don’t quite know yet what’s what. People are adjusting and exploring, doing more and feeling less. In this phase people gather information, make connections, ask questions, try to find their space. This is where success at transitioning happens.
New Beginnings
Beginnings involve new understandings, values and attitudes. It means moving in a new direction. You have accepted and incorporated the change. You have incorporated the new reality so completely, it doesn’t feel like a stage. Finally, you have arrived at your new destination. (Adapted from the William Bridges transition model)
To conquer the fear of change you need to reach the “New Beginning” stage of transition.
This transition to a new beginning is not a sure cure or a panacea. But, understanding how transition works can take away some uneasiness when you are confused and uncomfortable with how you are adapting to a change. Therefore, find where you are in the transition process and remind yourself it is probably how you are supposed to feel at this stage. How quickly will we move through these stages? Individual results may vary and your attitude and willingness to adapt will play a big part.
“Whether it is chosen or thrust upon you, change brings both opportunities and turmoil.” – William Bridges
Transition Through Loss
A loss can be a traumatic change. You can be overwhelmed by the emotional suffering you feel when you lose something or someone you love. “Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be. “ helpguide.org
Transitioning through loss is one of life’s biggest challenges. Your loss is personal to you, you feel what you feel so don’t be ashamed. Grief is our response to loss and it is normal to grieve a loss. Whether your grief concerns a person, animal, place, relationship or situation, if it was important to you, it’s normal to grieve.
“Whatever the cause of your grief, though, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time, can ease your sadness and help you come to terms with your loss, find new meaning, and eventually move on with your life.” helpguide.org
Just as it is important to grieve, it is important to move on, to transition toward acceptance and to begin the rest of your life without what you have lost. In addition to the transition steps above it is important to know the needs of mourning. This is vital to your transition.
The Importance of Mourning
“Mourning is the outward expression of our grief. Mourning is crying, talking about the loss, journaling, sharing memories, and telling stories. Other ways to mourn include praying, making things, joining in ceremonies, and participating in support groups. Mourning is how, over time, we begin to heal. It is through active and honest mourning that we reconstruct hope and meaning in our lives.” https://www.centerforloss.com/
Your path through mourning to reconciliation might more specifically look like this. Facing the reality of the loss. Not hiding from but embracing the pain. Remembering and reminiscing about the lost person, animal, etc. Finding peace with who or where you are now. Knowing you won’t recover from or get over grief but It will soften. Searching for meaning. Getting guidance or help from others. Reconciliation as the loss becomes a part of you. Healing and creating a new normal.
Change might be unexpected. It might be a long time coming. It might just be another daily irritation. Nevertheless, we MUST adapt. We must transition. We can conquer the fear of change.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” — Charles Darwin
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