Yesterday I asked my granddaughter (seven years old) to tell my husband to put ketchup on the grocery list. She looked at me very strangely and said, “What? Why?” I looked at her strangely and said, “What do you mean, why?” More puzzled looks and I said, “We are out of ketchup.” “Oh”, she said, “I thought you wanted him to put ketchup ON the grocery list.” To which she laughed and laughed. Then she went to the kitchen and said, “PopPop, please put ketchup on the grocery list. Just buy ketchup, don’t smear it on the list” Then HE gave me strange looks. In this article, we are looking into how to talk to your partner; Including, as you have guessed, misunderstandings.
Non-communication and miscommunication between partners is an epidemic. “According to recent research, ongoing communication difficulties are the number one reason couples divorce in the United States. According to one study, 67.5% of marriages that ended did so primarily due to communication problems.” –www.regain.us
“Communication to a relationship is like oxygen is to life. Without it, it dies.” Tony Gaskin
Communication and Miscommunication
Let’s begin with the definition of the communication process and see if we can shed some light on this.
Communication is a process. It refers to information transmission and understanding between two or more people. Receiving the sender’s intended meaning is the essence of effective communication. The information is heard and understood. Think back to the ketchup story: message heard but not understood.
“Misunderstanding in a relationship occurs when one or both parties don’t understand correctly. Therefore, misconception and misapprehension occur when there is no moral clarity because a false impression is created.”- marriage.com
Many different things can cause misunderstanding. Therefore, getting a clear picture of why the misunderstanding happened is imperative. Figure out what happened. Backtrack, if necessary, to see where the misunderstanding occurred. Unresolved conflicts happen and escalate when partners don’t talk to find out and fix the cause of the misunderstanding.
“It’s all very well to say ‘talk to your partner’, but when you’re in the thick of a problem that seems insurmountable, or seems like it has no clear answer and your emotions are running high, then how do you do it? It’s no wonder couples put off dealing with problems and stop talking.” – bodyandsoul.com.au
Most couples start out believing they will be the successful ones. They have plans for many things, but not how to communicate. You need to develop means of communication with your partner. People who don’t will have a difficult time as a couple. Further, not knowing how to talk to your partner can spill over to problems with friends, family and children.
How to Talk to Your Partner Effectively
There are basically three types of communications: verbal, nonverbal, and written. It’s not expected you will become an expert in all of them, but learning basic communication techniques can help you traverse the couple’s minefield.
Since college, where I majored in communication, I have studied, taught, written about and coached communication. And I’m still learning. Here are eight effective communication techniques to get you started on the path to better communication.
1. Pass the talking stick
Taking turns talking and employing mindful listening might seem obvious when trying to talk about things. Too often, what happens is that one or both partners get wrapped up in trying to win. Soon no one is interested in the original purpose of finding a meeting of the minds or finding a resolution to a problem. The reason for the discussion is to hear each other’s point of view. Resist the urge to interrupt.
2. Listen and Observe
Being a good listener is a skill. Not everyone has the natural ability or patience for listening. Be mindful of what your partner is saying. Sometimes all they need is someone to listen. Take time if you need to formulate answers, you can even ask for time to think about a point before you answer. Being a partner means that you probably know more about each other than anyone else. So you can also hear what they are not saying. You can ask questions to help them. Or you can observe their behavior to better understand it.
3. Think twice speak once
It is too easy to say something that leaves a scar. If you feel your emotions are out of control take a 5-minute time out. By planning what you want to say, rather than just blurting it out, you are less likely cause hurt feelings and misunderstandings. As you talk to each other do not forget that the communication is to make the relationship tighter not broken.
4. Walk a mile in their shoes
As you are talking with your partner, sometimes empathizing helps. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to understand why they feel the way they do. Then treat their feelings as important. It’s the little things that count. Timing is everything. If you have a concern or worry, giving your partner a heads-up that you want to talk can take the surprise out of your talk. Picking a neutral time and place can foster better results for communication with your partner.
5. Kindness Counts
How we speak to our partner can make a difference. Beginning a conversation by pointing the finger and placing blame can put your partner on the defensive. Instead, talk about how you feel and use “I” and “We” language. Also, use your partners name in a kind and encouraging tone. These things can control the tone of your talk. Finally, resist the urge to “dig up dinosaurs.” If it happened a long time ago or it’s already resolved or forgiven, let it remain buried.
6. Forest fires not allowed
Put out one blaze at a time. Keep issues manageable and discuss them one at a time. Resist the temptation to unload about everything and set your world ablaze. A way to keep things manageable is to make sure you introduce balance. If you are talking about something negative also bring up positive points. It might be good to remember that if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
7. It takes two
If you are in a conversation, the silent treatment should be avoided. It is mean and disrespectful. When your partner is talking, listen respectfully. Then, when it your turn, communicate with honesty. Ask questions for clarity. Employ body language by looking in their eyes, lean forward, hold their hand if appropriate. You and your partner need to give each other your undivided attention. Know that you will not always agree on everything. With some give and take, you should be able to come to agreements on most things. Finding your unique solution reinforces that your relationship is bigger than any problem you might face.
8. You aren’t alone
Many couples seek help when communication with their partner reaches an impasse. A neutral third person, a counselor, friend or family member might bring a different perspective to the situation. Such a person may point out ideas or options not thought of. This outside perspective often allows the couple to eventually solve the issue themselves or find a middle ground they can be happy with.
Always, always, always reinforce that you are a couple. The fact you are having a difficult conversation comes from a place of love and caring with a belief that it will make your partnership stronger. Yes, you are partners, but also two individuals with individual needs, fears, desires and challenges. Talking things out (issues such as family chores, the budget, intimacy, disappointments and other challenges) can bring you closer as a couple while honoring and respecting your differences.
By developing your communication skills (by practicing how to talk to your partner,) you and your partner can form and grow a caring, nurturing, respectful relationship between two people who continue to love each other.
P.S. We just added a new Relationship Quiz that will help you measure the strength of your relationship with your partner. It’s quick, easy, anonynous and free. It provides instant results.
Related Article: Self-Care: Relationships & Boundaries
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