In many relationships, communication between partners fails, lovers lose the knack of understanding each other’s needs and wants. Their they are classic cases of love languages lost in translation.
Have you heard the joke about the difference in how to make a woman and a man happy? To please a woman, bring flowers, pay her compliments, take time to listen, help with the dishes, give her hugs etc. On the other hand, to make a man happy, show up naked and bring beer.
Lots of truth in that joke? Can you really know what your partner wants instinctively? Or are those old maxims true, “Women are a mystery, you never know what they want; Men, they all want the same thing?”
Love Languages Lost in Translation
I discovered a book several years ago that answers that question. I have recommended it to many of my clients, friends and family. The book is “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It is one of my five “go to” books. I actually give it to friends and family as a gift if they are marrying or committing. (For links to this book and other books you can check out my Resource page.) So why this book? It is a book that helped me understand myself and my husband. I was surprised by the information about both of us.
Communication in a relationship is of great importance. One of the problems that can happen in a relationship is the way you are communicating love to your partner and them to you. It is not easy to keep an emotional connection with your partner. Have you ever been just stopped in your tracks by your partner saying they don’t feel loved or appreciated? (And You thought you were killing it in the love department.)
If you browse a section of marriage self help books you will see that keeping love alive is the topic of many books. It is also the basis of innumerable seminars, talks shows on TV and, if you are honest, hours of conversation with friends and/or family. Still, we are looking at a 50% divorce rate. This means even with all of those resources devoted to self-help, there is significant lack of maintaining love after marriage.
The 5 Love Languages
Even the best relationships will experience a diminishing of that falling in love high. This is to be expected and not something to feel like a failure for. However, maintaining happiness and growing your relationship is vastly different and more encompassing than falling in love. Learning your love language can help.
There are five love languages in Gary Chapman’s book:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Using Love Languages
Knowing how to speak your partner’s love language can help you understand the way you can make them feel loved. In addition, learning your own love language helps you understand what makes you feel loved and you can communicate it more effectively to your partner.
Each language corresponds to the types of actions or behaviors that make someone feel the most loved. It is probable you speak a different language than your partner, or at best a you respond to a different on a different wave length. If you both like touch maybe she is holding hands or cuddling and you are back massage and hugging. Communicating love through different languages is difficult and frustrating. Once you learn which language you both respond to, you can use that language to fill up their love tank.
Love Tanks
Dr. Chapman believes We each have a love tank. Our love tanks are similar to gas tanks, in that, we operate best in a relationship when our love tanks are full. As you fall in love, you each go out of your way to do things for your partner, everything the other person does feels magical and fills your tank.
Conversely, as your relationship changes your focus will also change and expectations of what a loving relationship should look like are not met. As a couple these unfulfilled expectations can leave you both feeling unloved and it will drain your tanks.
Speak Your Love Language
To help you rebuild that love and fill your love tanks, find and speak your partners love language. You can take an abbreviated similar test on my website, find it on the internet or I highly recommend the book. It’s available in all forms from hardback to audio. Here is a brief description of the love languages Chapman has identified as described by Fabulous….
Words of Affirmation
People of this language feel most loved when its expressed with words. Compliments, words of encouragement, or even just a simple “I was thinking about you” make their hearts swell.
Quality Time
Spending time with their partners, their attention undivided, is how people of this love language express themselves. Being able to fully engage with their partner during activities like going for a walk, playing games, or even just coffee and conversation, is what brings them the most joy.
Receiving Gifts
For people of this love language, nothing says “I love you” more than gifts. The time, effort, and money that goes into picking the perfect gifts mean the world to them, and serves as undeniable proof that their partner was thinking about them.
Acts of Service
People of this love language feel most appreciated when their partners do things for them. Offering to watch the kids, running an inconvenient errand, or helping with household chores take time, effort, and resources, and these acts of service rarely go unnoticed.
Physical Touch
Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and cuddling all fall under the umbrella of physical touch, and all are fair game for people of this love language. They enjoy the security that comes from physical contact and relish in the closeness of their partners and the connection that comes with that proximity.
Learning you own love language and figuring out the love language of your partner can help you maintain a loving relationship without have your love languages lost in translation.
Related Article: This Test Reveals Your Love Language
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