How can you go about setting boundaries with adult children? One of the universal truths we have seen in all of our discussions about boundaries is that they should all begin with communication. A boundary that you don’t tell anyone about is good for one thing – to make you frustrated. It is not a boundary if you tell yourself you won’t give them any more money, but you don’t tell them you’ve made this decision.
Setting boundaries with adult children is the answer to much of your fighting and frustration with them. With communication in mind and knowing that the best path is the most direct path let’s TALK through a way to help set some boundaries and find a neutral ground.
T (take stock of your relationship)
Are you enabling your adult children? Its important to understand the difference between helping and enabling. Here are some signs that you’re enabling your child:
- They live at home, or you pay for their living expenses.
- You’re constantly helping them through crises.
- You constantly make sacrifices so they can have what they want.
- You’re overwhelmed from helping your grown child.
- You’re constantly worried about doing something that will hurt or upset them.
Has rescuing your adult child become a pattern of unhealthy behavior? If you try to “save” your adult child every time he or she is in trouble, you may be making things worse in the long run.
While it may feel good to do this, the implicit (or even explicit) message to the child is, ” I must help because you are not competent to make it on your own.” Boundaries can help you find a way to assist these young adults without enabling them.
Does this sound familiar? Do you need to try setting boundaries with adult children but haven’t been able to?
Once you know where you are and what you are doing, or not doing, it’s time to get to work.
A (act on your ideas)
Make an action plan to put some boundaries in place. You should talk things over with your partner because you must be on the same page. If not, the first thing will be for your children to walk around you to someone who will say yes. So compose your plan of action and decide on boundaries and rules. Write them down. Share them with everyone concerned.
Setting boundaries with your adult children can be the best thing, even if its hard. So what can you do? Make sure you are there to listen and then tell them what you are prepared to do, within the boundaries you have established. They need to move back in? Set up the rules in advance. Payment for room and board, tasks that will be their responsibility, and a time limit for how long they can stay. Then stick to it. They have run a little short on rent can you “loan” them some money. What is your boundary.? Will they pay you back? How much, for how long? Do you want an IOU? Do only what you are prepared to do within the boundary you established.
It can be very challenging for parents to set limits with adult children who have become overly dependent. But it’s time to…
L (let them grow up)
You want your child to be happy and independent but are afraid you should do a little more to help them be successful or you are manipulated into believing their problem is your fault. Adult children who remain overly dependent on their parents often are allowed to get into this situation because their parents enable them. Setting up boundaries will help both you and your child.
Don’t treat them like a child, treat them like an adult. An adult is someone who is independent from parents for basic needs. They are self-sufficient and have their own set of supportive and caring community to help them. Certainly a parent can be part of that community, but it doesn’t work well for a parent to be the primary source of life for them. In fact, encouraging your child to help their friends and turn to friends can help establish their own strengths.
One way to stop being an enabler as a parent is to empower your adult child to thrive on their own. Tell them that they can do it. You can advise them along the way and teach them skills, but let them fend for themselves. Allow them to see that they’re capable of making steps in the right direction and caring for themselves. It can be challenging to let go and stop providing everything for someone you love, but you’re doing a good deed. If you find it too difficult to do alone, reach out for help. A coach or a counselor can help you get started. If you don’t stop enabling your adult kids, they’ll never realize just how capable they are on their own.
You have set some boundaries and shared them with all involved now is the time to…
K (keep moving forward)
Also, keep your door open. Your adult children may push back at first. As a parent you must see the bigger picture. Understand that while they may be happy now, even in a situation that is not what is best for them long-term. If they say things like, “Don’t you still love me?” or “Why are you so mean to me?” Try to be understanding and compassionate. It is imperative to hear these thoughts without changing the course of action. While they may even say they don’t love you anymore, be strong. This is merely a reaction to you breaking the dependency cycle. Change is uncomfortable, but people only change once they are uncomfortable enough to do so.
No one wants to see their child be unhappy and struggle, but struggle is how we grow and learn. One of my favorite quotes is
“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor” – Franklin D Roosevelt
If you make the seas too smooth; their life too easy, you will not get an independent adult. Each step forward, whether a success or a failure, is an empowerment. You can help, if asked, but try to see them and treat them as capable and intelligent people who are finding their way. Let them, help them grow with love, and respect for yourself and for them.
Please feel free to check out my article on setting boundaries.
* Please leave a comment below. You may comment anonymously or you may use your first name. We may post or quote your comment on the website. We will never post or share your last name, email address or any other personal identifying information.
